Coming Back Home

After 2 1/2 years back in the corporate work force, I am coming back home, both figuratively and literally.  It was a hard decision, but one that I made for my family and myself.  I kept telling myself for months, that my kids were to an age where I should feel comfortable working.  I kept thinking about how my husband will be retiring from the military in a year and a half, and me having a stable job would secure us.
Then the tables started turning. I started feeling like, "is this it?", "is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?".  I was so turned around, I wasn't even sure if I was happy at my job.  I wasn't sure if the stress was workload, burnout or what.  And what would burnout mean?  Would it go away?
At the same time, my kids were having issues.  My son, who has high functioning autism, started middle school this year.  It is a hard transition for kids on the spectrum.  Not only do they have to prompt themselves for tasks, but they have to deal with puberty at the same time.  I felt like all I was doing was nagging him.  I felt like every sitter we hired, wasn't enough.....not necessarily the fault of the nanny.  They were being judged against what I thought I would do if it were me home. My son needed help.  Help keeping a schedule, help prompting him to have better hygiene, organizing his school work, ensuring he was getting enough sleep (he is an insomniac).
And for my daughter, there are social issues.  We have moved so many times in the last 5 years, she doesn't have that core set of friends that many 5th graders do.  She doesn't have a best friend. And my sweet, sassy, artsy little girl, has my 'heart on sleeve' demeanor. The gossip, girl fights, and cattiness of 5th grade hits her hard.  I wanted to be the one to dry her tears, give her advice, share in her day.
By the time I was home from work everyday, not only was I emotionally withdrawn from the exterior I was told to put up at work ("leave your emotions at the door"), I was mentally exhausted.  I was beaten, and had 3 hours per day with my kids to make them a meal, help them with homework, and get them to take showers etc.  As you can imagine, this basically was a cranky mom barking orders.
This was not the mom I wanted to be.  This was not the me i wanted to be.  I wasn't taking care of myself at all.  And my biggest concern was, is this the life I wanted to live?  Not to sound like a hipster, but YOLO!!!
So even with just a year and a half until no guaranteed income, here we go, on a self discovery tour.  I hope to use this blog in the coming year, to tell you what I've learned, share some DIY projects (I love working on my house), maybe some stories on my progress on healing and bettering myself, inside and out.  And closer to the big day, getting into life transition from military to civilian. I hope you join me on the journey!

Lessons Learned from Summer 2011

I need to make a mental note to look back at this post, come April/May of 2012.  I know that summer is not yet over.  School starts up here 6 weeks from today.  We have been on summer break for 10 weeks now.  So I think I've experienced enough to reflect on some lessons learned in business, life, and summers as a work at home Mom.

1. Business is not fractionally slower, it is DEAD.  I had mistakenly thought, that summer sales would be 33%, maybe 50% less than my sales tend so far for 2011.  This was NOT the case.  I found it is not a % less.  There seems to be a glass ceiling.  For instance, let's say my average sales in 2010 were $500/mo, and in summer went to $330. My business instincts were preparing for, if average sales were $1500/mo, that they would become $1000/mo.  When in reality....they were still $330 (numbers not exact, just explaining a point). So next year, instead of completely stressing out about it, and instead of having multiple failure sales and promos, just ride the wave...accept it will be slow and just "Let it Be".
2. See above.....so instead, the kids are home, let's have FUN!  At the beginning of summer, I had been freaking out hoping I could get the kids into camps, so I could work and keep the momentum going with the business. I pushed camp. Although my son enjoyed Lego Camp ($205), and my daughter loved Horse Camp ($245), they were both stressful.  The driving back and forth, the jealousy's, the MONEY.  Worse yet was me trying to pay for a Mon, Wed, Fri morning daycamp (Mom's day out type thing).  Sounded good, but at $90/week for just 9hrs, and no sales coming in, it was STRESSFUL.  It ended up costing me more than $90/wk, since the registration was $170 (all numbers are for both kids together, so $45/wk and $85/ea registration).  This daycamp lasted 3 weeks before I realized we couldn't afford it, and the kids were not enjoying it.  So in total we spent $890 to camp-ify summer.  And it could've been spent better. How???
3. DO Buy all the memberships you can get your hands on! We bought a membership to the waterpark at Little Creek.  It was $125 for the 3 of us, but would've been $15 a visit to go.  The kids love it there, and it is a fairly relaxing 2hrs whenever we go. We got a membership to the Virginia Aquarium for $150...this one is great for days we need to stay indoors BUT get out of the house. We haven't gotten the chance to buy a membership for the Virginia Zoo yet, but it is $75 for military families.  Also movies on base at Little Creek are $2/person. So with the $890 spent on camps for a total of 5 weeks, we could have gotten A waterpark, aquarium, zoo, and over 5 trips to the movies for just $500 (not to mention the beach is FREE)!!! We can also enjoy our YMCA membership during summer, kids using the interactive zone while I work out and just a swim in their pool...at $88/mo it is a bit...but even adding that in to the $500, we still come out cheaper than the camps.  Plus YMCA offers a free parents night out for members. And since we don't need to worry about business too much (see #1) then we could just sit back and enjoy. The kids will only be kids once!

At the Virginia Aquarium

YMCA Mt. Trashmore

Little Creek Water Park

Beach on Dam Neck military base

What's Beautiful About Military Life

In our military life, we've lived in Georgia (twice), Hawaii (twice), Washington, and Virginia (second time around right now). I have found that there is some good in every place, and some bad (although some moreso than others); And you must concentrate on the good to be happy and survive.
Well, about a month ago, we moved back to Virginia.  For those that don't know, we own our house here, and are currently working on it to make it ready for us to move our stuff in (pics will be in a blog post in the future).
Last night we were over at our house, visiting with the inlaws who are here to help, and to work a little more on the yard, and discuss more work to be done. And last night, the fireflies were out. My son caught one in his hand and we all watched as they would glow and go dark, and glow some more. To me it was magical.

Our neighborhood although in Virginia, reminds me a lot of the house I grew up in, in Rivervale, New Jersey.  There were fireflies there too. A mix of all sorts of houses, big and small, brick and siding, no sidewalks, and tall trees making a canopy over the neighborhood.
As my children were in awe of the fireflies, and enjoyed the summer air (and the mosquitos), it felt like we have been able to give them a piece of my own childhood.
Then in the car on the drive back to the house we are temporarily staying in, the CD played, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole. The kids were talking about how it reminds them of Hawaii. My daughter talked about how her teacher would play the Ukelele for them, and we could go to the beach every day. We talked about our adventures and memories there.

I realized in that moment how beautiful this life we are giving them is. They get to carry the good parts of our past, have adventures that not everyone gets to have. When they are older and look back, maybe it won't just be the lapses of time without their Dad, or the leaving friends in different places as we move....maybe it'll be of lightning bugs, beaches, ukeleles, walks in the summer night, and love.

I had directed a friend to my blog yesterday, to show her pictures of my pets.  She ended up reading on and found a 2 year old post on my son, who has Autism.  I re-read it this morning, and realized so much has happened in the last 2 years, and I wanted to share some pin points of happenings and what I learned. 

• I understand Autism Awareness, and feel there should be therapies to help make these kids cope better....but I struggle with the idea of a "cure". Granted Ethan is High Functioning, but I think I'd rather help him deal with his emotions without taking away the most incredible lines of thought he has. Ethan is brilliant. He only has to see something once, and he remembers it. He wonders how it works, and comes up with theories and ideas...way more out of the box than a typical 9yr old.
• There are situations to avoid and situations to encourage. Ethan still does not do well in chaotic, not well supervised environments. Lunch lines, buses, gym class, field trips, daycare. So Ethan does not go to daycare...this is why I have LilacAve. I drive him to school...which actually gives us time to chat. I will chaperone field trips. Can't do much about gym or lunch lines....but helping what I can helps both of us.
• I could care less what anyone thinks in public. I know for many this is a huge struggle. You have a normal looking kid, acting like a 3yr old in a store or a restaurant. You know what, stare all you want, think I am a bad parent...you have no idea, and your opinion doesn't matter to me, nearly as much as handling my kid and his triggers.
• Thanks to a Doctor in Hawaii, for making me realize I am a good mom for Ethan. We went to a luau.  I forgot this is the worst situation for Ethan. Crowded, weird food, loud, out of routine. He started to melt down.  My Dad snapped at him. (this makes him melt down more, because he knows people are disappointed in him).  Comments were made to me about my parenting. Talked about it at Ethan's therapy session.  I explained all the things I should've done differently. I discussed what I thought was the triggers. Dr. Miller commended me for understanding my son so well. This lifted me up, while it was being incinuated at home by my father, that I was not tough enough on him.

• Speaking of being tough. Hardest lesson learned.....stay calm!!!!!  Nothing pushes him into more of a meltdown than yelling at him.
• He can't take a joke. True story,  we are cooking dinner, and he says "Is this what we are having for dinner?". Husband says, "Well its what me and mommy are having....not sure about you two." (said in sarcasm, as it is obvious, I was making dinner, and we always all eat it). Ethan starts to cry, that we are not feeding him dinner. This one is hard to break as me and the hubs are fluent in sarcasm.
• Peer pressure does not work on him. He could care less if he makes a scene in  class, in front of the neighborhood friends, or if "everyone is doing it".  A blessing and a curse. Curious to see if this changes in time.
• He is getting better in social situations, but still has a hard time not playing one sided (he tells you the game, and your place in it).  He did however, make his very first bestie in Georgia.  And the kid was the Alpha....Ethan would politely play along.  So he is capable. We just have to harness it.
• We can talk. He is better about trying to think through his feelings. Probably the most common thread in our house is, you have to tell us what's bothering you before we can fix it. He was melting down yesterday when his sister had friends over...it wasn't until later when he was calm, that it was all about the TV being too loud.  But he never voiced that.
• He has gone to the movies and Sea World and done great...these are places we never could have gone before.
• Traveling is still a struggle, and moving transitions are still weird. Last move it was pooping in pants....since we moved back to Virginia, its insomnia. Hopefully the stability of not moving again, will iron out these issues.
• He can empathize for his sister.  When we were in Georgia and he was in therapy, he would get a prize while leaving.  He always asked for one for his sister. He also worries about her if she's hurt.  Not to say they don't have the normal sibling rivalries or competitiveness.

These are just snippets.  But I'd like to say, at 9yrs old, I am no longer worried for Ethan.  There are days he is still a struggle, but we deal. Most days he is an incredible mind, a sweet heart, and just a quirky, loveable kid.

not because they are easy, but because they are hard

There certainly are challenges to life. There are some we don't understand, and some that we procrastinate, and others we are just in denial over.

My son has autism. We are blessed. He is very high functioning...almost categorically Asperger's, except for he had communication delays as a toddler that he has now outgrown, with no need for any speech therapy.

If you want the honest truth, here it is.

I always joked that Ethan was a genius. A baby book I once read had a short page on traits of gifted children. Ethan had a sense of humor as an infant; he was hysterical when I had a towel on my head after a shower. He slept through the night, but otherwise never slept much. He was always in constant movement....always! Still, we never truly thought anything of it.

So many people were always there to tell you something was "normal". We used to find it funny that he would line up his cars and get aggravated if all the fronts lined up but then the backs didn't and vice versa. We were seeing this at 2 and thought nothing of it. He would have 3 hour tantrums...I thought this is what the terrible 2's were all about, and that he was particularly stubborn. He would point and grunt versus talk. And even when he started talking he did not speak sentences with his peers. All this I was told was normal for a first born, for a boy, etc.
I remember trying to potty train him and this was challenging to say the least. It was obvious he had the control (he would hold it all day and wait for a pull up at night over going in the potty). People said, some kids take longer to potty train.

Finally, daycare at 3 1/2 called us in to our 1st parent teacher conference, that they assured us was normal, incinuated Autism. I knew the assistant director had an autistic child, and I felt like she was projecting on us. It was our first time EVER to get feedback on our child in such a negative light. I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed that this place that cared for him over 40 hrs a week, had nothing but complaints about him.

However, we followed their instruction and went to the Child Development Clinic. The doctors there asked me a series of questions. These are so vague, especially if you are a parent in denial. Does your child make eye contact? Yes. Does he obsess over one object? No (he liked cars, what little boy doesn't). Did he talk at 2? Yes.

I was told it was more of a parenting issue than a problem. If anything, when we started school they may find him to have ADHD. That was that. And I left feeling so satisfied that I had won the battle with the daycare, that my son was fine, and they were just incapable of dealing with a hyper child.

We left that daycare. Within 6 months, he had gotten kicked out of the next one. Then the next one kept him, but said he was definitely not "like the other kids". They had found methods to help, but Ethan was obviously a struggle for them. In our defense, during this time, my husband and I were working full time. Our time with the kids was between 6pm and 7:30pm everynight. And the weekends were so jampacked with laundry and errands, that there was never any pressure or expectation. His tantrums to us seemed like stubborn Ethan.

Well then he turned 5. By then we had to switch daycares again, to get one that could do afterschool care. We thought we should start the summer before because Dad was starting to go out to sea again for the 1st time in 3 years. And we should just get him settled sooner than later. This was a set up for the Perfect Storm.

I would get calls that he was kicking, screaming, and banging his head on the floor for no reason. He would pace in circles. It was obvious whatever was wrong, could not wait until school could evaluate him. We took him back to the doctor. This time, they referred us to the autism team. There they not only asked the questions, but asked them more in depth. Not only, "did he speak at 2?" but also "did he progress like his peers?". This changed everything. And by 5, we knew certain behaviors, like tantrums, were well out of normal range. They observed him and said, "yes, he makes eye contact, but he looks away quickly...it is not natural for him, it is learned". He was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism that day. I remember leaving the office happy! You might ask, how could you be happy? At this point, I had not heard a positive thing about my son in 2 years. Even my Dad once said, his eyes look dead. It was obvious Ethan was not a happy boy, and it was really obvious there was something wrong. We were happy, because someone could tell us what it was....we had an answer!

Then I found out the most surprising thing EVER! I had heard of Autism a ton. At the time it was in the news a lot. A Lot of talk about it being 1 in every 200 boys having it, and a lot of talk on research agencies, awareness, fundraisers, etc. What surprised me, was no one knew anything or could make it better! A doctor could not prescribe anything. We were not directed on what to do during a meltdown. We were told to get into ABA Therapy and sign him up for an IEP at school. This process took from October to April of the following year. The school followed everything to the letter of the law (they have time ranges to complete each part of an IEP). However we could not get approval for ABA therapy until an IEP had been made.

I remember thinking if I went to the doctor and said I was depressed, they'd have me in therapy within the month. Here is a child with autism, and nothing was done for 7 months.

Ethan began therapy, and the place seemed fantastic. However they felt he didn't really need therapy. They felt he had all the coping skills he needed. The school constantly complained about the traits in him that exemplify autism, and I felt could not be changed, and if they could, I had no idea how to fix it. I felt the pressure of not doing enough, but no one told me what to do, no one seemed to be able to help. The people that saw the flaws couldn't fix it, and the ones who maybe could, did not see the flaws. I thought that was how it is.

I thought this is as good as we get folks. Unfortunately for me I have now developed a daily fear of my son, and what to expect from him. He is extraordinary in so many ways, but yet I struggle to find the good points in him to talk about. He is so rational, he is irrational, he is stubborn, rigid, difficult, constant work, constant questioning, and physically a threat to himself and others. The meltdowns do not happen that often anymore. However he has issues controlling his anger, he gets frustrated easily, has crazy hyperness highs, and he whines ALL THE TIME!
I should add to all of this, we are a military family that just had a major move, and my husband has been home a total of 18 weeks out of the last 60. The longest time home being 7 weeks. This is not condusive for an autistic child.

So what's up with the title? I know we have services available to us. I met wonderful people with a new ABA firm, that seemed to understand the things he does is not normal, and we can improve. I met these people 3 weeks ago. WHY haven't I called???? I am scared. I don't know why. I tried thinking really hard, why? I was scared to have people see the bare naked truth of how we live with avoidance daily. I do everything in my power to stop the whining, the meltdowns, the fighting, etc. I am tired, and there is a better life; I know better, and I am ashamed that we haven't gotten more help. I am scared to show that I do not want to change. I know we need to, but it is hard.....what if there are charts, what if they don't want me to avoid meltdowns, etc? What if it gets worse before it gets better?????

I need to do this. I need to get him help, as he is regressing quickly and steadily. My 7 year old is having poop accidents because he doesn't like any of the 3 toilets in the new house. The 2 upstairs have exhaust fans and the 1 downstairs 1 time had a spider. So he holds it in until he can't. He lashes out at his sister, and maybe as he gets bigger won't be able to stop himself. Afterall, he has no empathy for the pain he causes her. He understands when she hurts him, but can't understand that he does it to her.

So I am reaching out. We are getting the wheels in motion to help us as a family. We need to heal ourselves and better ourselves. If we leave Hawaii with nothing else, than being a stonger family, with our lives in place, than how could I ask for anything more.