Friday, December 13, 2013

Coming Back Home

After 2 1/2 years back in the corporate work force, I am coming back home, both figuratively and literally.  It was a hard decision, but one that I made for my family and myself.  I kept telling myself for months, that my kids were to an age where I should feel comfortable working.  I kept thinking about how my husband will be retiring from the military in a year and a half, and me having a stable job would secure us.
Then the tables started turning. I started feeling like, "is this it?", "is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?".  I was so turned around, I wasn't even sure if I was happy at my job.  I wasn't sure if the stress was workload, burnout or what.  And what would burnout mean?  Would it go away?
At the same time, my kids were having issues.  My son, who has high functioning autism, started middle school this year.  It is a hard transition for kids on the spectrum.  Not only do they have to prompt themselves for tasks, but they have to deal with puberty at the same time.  I felt like all I was doing was nagging him.  I felt like every sitter we hired, wasn't enough.....not necessarily the fault of the nanny.  They were being judged against what I thought I would do if it were me home. My son needed help.  Help keeping a schedule, help prompting him to have better hygiene, organizing his school work, ensuring he was getting enough sleep (he is an insomniac).
And for my daughter, there are social issues.  We have moved so many times in the last 5 years, she doesn't have that core set of friends that many 5th graders do.  She doesn't have a best friend. And my sweet, sassy, artsy little girl, has my 'heart on sleeve' demeanor. The gossip, girl fights, and cattiness of 5th grade hits her hard.  I wanted to be the one to dry her tears, give her advice, share in her day.
By the time I was home from work everyday, not only was I emotionally withdrawn from the exterior I was told to put up at work ("leave your emotions at the door"), I was mentally exhausted.  I was beaten, and had 3 hours per day with my kids to make them a meal, help them with homework, and get them to take showers etc.  As you can imagine, this basically was a cranky mom barking orders.
This was not the mom I wanted to be.  This was not the me i wanted to be.  I wasn't taking care of myself at all.  And my biggest concern was, is this the life I wanted to live?  Not to sound like a hipster, but YOLO!!!
So even with just a year and a half until no guaranteed income, here we go, on a self discovery tour.  I hope to use this blog in the coming year, to tell you what I've learned, share some DIY projects (I love working on my house), maybe some stories on my progress on healing and bettering myself, inside and out.  And closer to the big day, getting into life transition from military to civilian. I hope you join me on the journey!

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